Dear Mayor Bryan Thompson,
My name is Larry Turkey, and I am the official Spokesturkey for ThanksChanukah, the combined holiday of Thanksgiving and Chanukah.
I'm not writing to sell you on the awesomeness of the holiday; I'm here to ask for your help because I am a hunted turkey.
For the past two months, I have been urging Americans to Save a turkey and instead eat a latke when they sit down for their ThanksChanukah / Thanksgivukkah feast. I thought I was making progress, but it turns out that the only people who will not be eating turkey are the vegetarians. Now, I am in danger of being deep fried. Can you imagine?
A recent invitation for a "Spa and Sweat Lodge" day at Turkey Trot Farm has proved disastrous. I've now had to go into hiding and am unable to perform my duties as official Spokesturkey. I can't even trust other turkeys as it has become every turkey for himself.
You're my only hope, sir. I need a Mayoral pardon. Maybe you could even make me the official Spokesturkey for the city of Brunswick. Would that come with a stipend?